my head and my heart – here live!

Something happened to me over the past few days when I was sick, lying on my deathbed I call my couch. I binge watched so much DareDevil I truly believe superheroes exist; I’m going to constantly watch the shadows from now on.The hallucinations from my medicine didn’t help, but at some point yesterday or Friday night, I felt this overwhelming realization I have yet to make a difference in my family during my adult life. It made me extra sick, well depressed, having realized that. I can’t explain everything, but what it boils down to is that I’m in Europe and they are still back home. At the same time, I felt selfish because it is my life and I need to make my own choices at the end of the day. So, I was left in a pretty empty spot in my head. Meds kicked in, I passed out.

I woke up and continued to feel like I got run over by a train. Took a cold shower to feel alive before I retook my spot on the couch. Daredevil, episode 12. I stopped and thought about Halloween. Browsed facebook and saw all familiar faces, in familiar places and doing all familiar things. All close friends, all still at home, most without any sort of future because they are still living in the moment (and at home with mom). How can one just wander through life without goals and expectations? They sit on the sideline, complacent that their life is just peachy and where they want it to be without ever going out of their comfort zone. I believe this is why I am one of the few of ‘us’ who have ventured outside of my hometown’s walls. I had determination, I had dreams, I had open eyes and an open heart to whatever was thrown my way. This was about 6 years ago when I left the nest; 21 with nothing lose. I ventured into Europe with nothing but a suitcase and a sense of adventure.

Fast forward 6 years and I am not that same person. I’m a waiter who (luckily) works in a successful restaurant with one my best friends for a boss and a young, understandable, fun and like-minded team around me. However, it is just that,  a job. It’s holding me back to how I want to live my life. I have to work the minimum 42 hours a week, take the late bus/train every night I work, deal with people I have no interest in dealing with, menial tasks, unreal stress and just overall not a place where I can see myself anymore.

I’m not happy with my job and therefore my life. I have become complacent, robot-like and in a groove of a comfort zone.

I’m grateful for my job, for where I live, for the opportunities I’ve been provided, for the places I’ve seen and for being able to have a job in the first place.

I can’t say the same about the way I feel about my life and the road it is headed. I have no control. All the way from my visa that is expiring soon to doing laundry in my apartment complex. Everything is controlled, everything about me has boundaries, nothing about me is free or at peace. I’m constantly fighting urges to stay positive and not give in to the bullshit. I need to change that.

I hate to say it but everything really boils down to money. As much of a necessary evil money is, it’s also the pathway to freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Money is a pathway to freedom because you have the authority to decide what you want to do, not your boss and work schedule. It brings you happiness because it allows you to experience moments you wouldn’t be be able to experience without it. And fulfillment, because without freedom and happiness, life cannot be fulfilled.

I want to live more freely, more happily and more fulfilled from this moment on. I’m 3 days free of chewing tobacco, that’s first to keep going on the list; yeah, I gave myself a quick pat on the back for that one.

The first day of the rest of my life starts now. Super cliche, whatever. It’s true though. Well, lets get ‘er done. Markets open in a few hours.

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